The Wire re-up: Episode Eight, Season Two - what do you do with the hump?

The Wire Re-up - the book is out now. Click here to buy it

Continuing the series of guest bloggers, this week Rob Willis (aka RedThreat) takes us on a tour of The Wire's less virtuous characters - the 'humps'.

Humps are everywhere: in your office, driving your bus, on the other end of a "helpline". One reason I was drawn so deeply into The Wire is the show's representation of public sector dysfunction. Where incompetence cannot carry the ultimate penalty, the hump will find a home.

A hump is a badly motivated incompetent, and we're not used to seeing them on TV. Most cop shows are full of highly motivated people with limitless resources tying up all their personal loose ends by the end of each episode. Irredeemable humps may make the occasional cameo from Internal Investigations, but only to throw a few hurdles in the path of the hero.

But we know life isn't like this. In public institutions incapable of recognising and rewarding real achievement, no good deed will go unpunished. As players climb the greasy career pole and real pOlice - or their equivalents - quietly make cases as best they can, the humps wait for the right moment to ask for overtime or retirement.

So what do you do with your hump? Hump management in The Wire consists of shunting them around. Detective Cole is assigned elsewhere when Landsman has to take the 13 Jane Does. The detail that kicks off season one is a collection of BPD cast-offs: Prez, Santangelo, Polk and Mahone (plus Lester - a hump as far as the department is concerned). Polk is so bad he gets passed around twice, returning in the detail of humps Burrell throws together at the start of season two.

You could say there's a culture of humpness at BPD. Despite Lester's brilliance, he spends a lot of time tinkering with his miniature furniture. Bunk undermines a meeting with a ranking officer by retching into a wastepaper bin. Landsman, in between bursts of deceptively effective man-management, will peer at proceedings over a copy of Club International.

Despite this, The Wire shows that a hump can be redeemed. Prez is twice saved from a career of humpdom, first by Lester's paternalism and then by finding his vocation in teaching. Daniels refuses to dump a hump on another team when Polk turns up drunk in season one. Polk is last seen contented in season five, and Daniels glad things worked out for him.

Humps can help, too. Daniels accepts Prez on his detail but gets the almost invisibly efficient Sydnor in return. The affable but humpish Lieutenant Asher in Season four obliviously lets Freamon follow the money trail to Clay while he designs his retirement home. Burrell twice hopes a detail of humps will keep his political allies happy by not doing anything silly like solving crimes.

The show contrasts the lack of similar slack available on the corners. You fall asleep in homicide and some wag cuts off your tie (obviously there's a lot of guys falling asleep on the job); you doze off in the pit and Bodie slings a bottle at you, smashing inches above your head. A Carver quote from the end of Season 2 encapsulates this difference perfectly: "They screw up, they get beaten. We screw up, we get a pension."

And so to Thomas "Herc" Hauk. Is he a hump? I suggest he's not. He's an idiot and we count his fuck-ups on an episode by episode basis, but he lacks one key ingredient: poor motivation. He's ambitious, opportunistic and refuses to be seen as a failure. He exploits his moment with the mayor to get a promotion; he pumps his old colleagues for info when working for Levy; he spins a yarn about being credit-crunched to get Carver to use his card to buy the expinsive mic.

Even the bonkers Fuzzy Dunlop scam displays some warped initiative. But he and his sort are more dangerous than humps; ambitious incompetents who refuse to recognise their limitations. No matter how many times he fucks up, he's still back for more. No reflection, no sense of regret or failure, just a conviction that he isn't getting the rewards he deserves.

So let's celebrate a world that looks after its humps. They have a function in the hive and their lack of ambition is a useful safely valve - if we're honest there's probably a bit of hump in all of us.

Quote of the week: "BAD ADVICE! You motherfuckers gave me BAAAD ADVIIICE!" Ziggy reflects on his attempt at roughing-up the cappuccino-supping docker, who turns out not to be as fey as his choice of coffee.

Running totals

Murders: Still on 30: no fresh bodies in Bodymore.
McNulty giving a fuck when it wasn't his turn: I'm giving him another one here. His emotional 'I need to do a case' speech persuades a leisurely dressed Bunk to secure the prodigal's son's return to the fold. So McNulty's fuck-giving hits 17. (Obviously he also gives the slutty waitress a fuck, but I don't think we're counting that.) Drunk: Two more. Once when he crashes his car, twice. Once when he's perching on his battered car the next night with Bunko. I'm not allowing his drinks with Beadie - the fact he walks away from her house without trying it on indicates clear sobriety. So the number hits a dozen. Dubious parenting: No change.
Bunk drunk: Up one to five. Pissing on the railway track is a nice touch.
Herc fuck-ups: Still prosecuting the Fuzzy Dunlop scam, but that was in last week's total. I'm giving him one for raising his hand like lightning when Daniels asks for volunteers to go into the brothel.
Omar stick-ups: No sign of the man. Still on five
Bubbles attempts to get clean: Ditto. Two.

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